What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 08:48
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And i lived it daily.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I write beautiful poetry .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I think the readers, may guess!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
(And it was in our own minds.)
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Would this be the day?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot live in the past .
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When she asked me how she looked .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was very sick at this time too.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Put me off passion for life!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Can a bride cheat on her groom at a wedding?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was in good health!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My life is so biszare .
We were not on the streets..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She found it foreign!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I don,t even have a pension.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Comes on , in middle age.
We all went to grammer schools
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I said to her
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He knew the spot.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
She loved him until the end.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
All the time i was locked up.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
This is soul school!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I waited trembling.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Especially a lifetime of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I will be 64.
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But, we were locked up after school.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My family never makes their pension either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was scared of men, in general
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was seconnd youngest,
Who then, do I blame.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it wasn’t much.